PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:
STEPH MADAMBA Tuesday, September 14, 2010
YOU ARE MY HEARTBLEED.
The title, of course has it's own story.
Last weekend, I went for a 3-day vacation in Tanjay to celebrate my 23rd and my sister's 22nd birthday. Up to that moment last Friday, W and I we're in the "complicated" yet exclusive kind of relationship. I don't know, we always were. At the same time, D and I were of the past but has remained contact and are somehow what I can call friends. I like it actually since we were never just friends before we got together years back. Naturally, I expected to W beside me during my stay and finally put a name on what we actually have together. Are we or are we not kind of thing. What happened was the complete opposite. My heart leapt because of D's company and wept of W's insensitivity. I'm hurting once again. Let me just pour my heart out here. I again expected too much from a person that wouldn't really give much away for his partner. The worst part of it, he seems not to care even if he continues to say that he does. I don't see it, I don't feel it. I'm thinking that maybe this is just me but actually, there really is something wrong in the situation that we have. Maybe it is just me holding on and he doesn't want to be involved in any way anymore. I understand he has a kid now. I should have been mad since when I count back, he was with the girl while we were in good terms ourselves. Such an asshole really.
You, W, are really my heatbleed. You have played this role in my life for many years now. How many more times should I allow you to do this to me. I know the answer ok? You don't have to remind me. It's just that when it is already there, could I really stop myself? I would always want to know the "what if" kind of questions and therefore would repeat it all over again until I finally know the answer.
Until last Sunday, the day I fly back here in Manila, I was waiting for him. It was his birthday. He didn't care at all. And he has the nerve to ask why I am always mad at him and why I make such a deal that we didn't see each other during those 3 days. God how insensitive he really is. Can't he put it in his fickle little mind that he couldn't give me even an hour from the whole 3 days I'm there to be with me? or even just a few minutes of the whole weekend to see me? No he couldn't. I hate him for it. And then he now tells me that it's better for me to forget him since he is "walang kwenta" as he puts it, and that it would be better for me. Really?? come on! It would be better for him maybe. He would be free of me and my naggering him all the time! I hate him.
Good thing during that 3-day stay was that D was there with me. Of all people, I didn't expect it from him. Thank you D. I super appreciate it. M is really lucky to have you. Good luck! D went to my birthday after party, accompanied me till dawn, ate burgers with me, talked to me, drove me the next day and even offered to be with me that night for drinks. You've changed D, you are now a whole new person far better from the boyfriend I had in you years back. Thank you.
YOu, W, are an insult to the race of men. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hate you. You make me cry, you make me hate myself, make me feel insecure even if I am far better than your petty whore girls. You hurt once more now and I'll make sure this is the last. There will be no more turning back. Our book is closed (more like a whole volume of books) and you will be my heartbleed only up to today at 2:25am sept. 15, 2010. This is the last of your silly games on me.
My heart is again hurting, tears still falling down my cheeks. I will wipe them dry, breathe and try to sleep. When I awake, you will not be in my system and I will just have to look forward and move on to the next step away from you.
Good night diary.