Stephie.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

i wish i just didn't bring up the topic. i wish i could take it all back. i wish i could just go back years ago so that i could not have done what i had done. i wish i could just be that person to be beside you and not the girl behind, be the girl you also want to keep and not push away. i wish i could do everything and put things in place so that there will be no pain in our hearts. i wish i realized how blessed i am of you long ago. i wish i realized soon enough that you are the one for me. i wish i could just make you change your mind and let me show you how much i care and how much i love you.

there are many wishes to lengthen that list up but then, wishes will just remain wishes cause it's all over.. last night was the worst of my life. actually second. the first is when my auntie died.. your reasons are so vague. i just couldn't accept that. before you left, we had some things unfinished and we promised to talk about it when you get back but we didn't. wat's so painful was that you didn't even get to call me or even greet me nung birthday ko. iv given up a lot of things thinking that it will make you more comfortable. there was no question about that. i didn't think twice, when i realized how much i love you and want to work it out, there were no questions, i just did it. and now im asking myself, is it worth it?

it's so painful. just so painful. i never knew id be hurt like this now. i always said to myself that im never gonna allow myself to be so stupid and even cry for a guy. but you know what, i got that all wrong. once you've found that someone, everything's possible.. im hurting inside and out. and the worst thing is, even if he ended it, im not mad at him. im rather mad at myself. i talked to two of my friends about it just a while ago in school, sbi nla maybe he doesn't want me to be affected with what he's going on right now but then i want to be there.. he doesn't want me to carry that burden for him..but i want to. im happy to. and now, everything just doesn't make any sense.

lord help me. love is such a cliche. i need him and i know he needs me too but doesn't want to. he doesn't make me feel that he needs me.. and i hate it. maybe goodbye is the word for you now, but i hope it won't last that long. i'm not going anywhere. im just here.. i love you.. jona.....