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STEPH MADAMBA Sunday, December 18, 2005
mygod! wat a day?! today is my first day here in tanjay and it started fast. toxic saw me and waved hi and then i saw "lord" or manolo. i began to wonder and thought of how i would picture myself seeing him.. and you know wat?! right that very moment, caloy and him turned right on our street and went past my house! the best part was that i was outside the gate sitting down! mygod! i acted as if i didn't see him and he did the same way. i know that he saw me, i know he did and so did caloy! i went to church and then after, i saw him again in rizal! mygod na tlga..we did not say hi to each other.. parang "urong-sulong". i went back home and after a while, we went back again. suguro kung nandun si dax, nakapagusap kami.. there is a big possibility since they're friends. pero i couldn't contact dax.. anyway, we went to buy ice cream. we were so close, just a couple of meters away, about 4-6 and yet he acted as if i didn't exist! i so hate the idea an feeling of it.. we sat down and i decided on calling him. when he answered the phone call at last after so many calls i've made, he didn't know who i was! mygod! then i asked him if he's not gonna talk to me or go to me and he acted as if i was in manila and he doesn't have a single clue that im here in tanjay very eager to see him... i walked approaching him and when he saw me, he started walking away and wanted to go home!!! what an attitude of him! it was not what i was expecting of him.. i thought he would be the guy i thought i already knew but i gess i was wrong.. after everything, he can't be the true him until the very last moment that would have something to do with me... it hurts that i see that im nobody fo rhim when he told me and assured me that he loved me and that im his life.. i thought we had something worth fighting for but what i saw was cowardice, and fear for truth..im beginning to hate myself more for always letting it go and think of other reasons to forgive hi but it seems nothing's changed. maybe he doesn't want me.. that's fine. ill live with it... i hate loving him after everything.. after all the hurts andpains... during mass, i prayed to god that i want his will be done regarding this.. is this it? are we not for each other???
Thursday, December 08, 2005
i;m watching maalaala mo kaya right now. episode ni john and heart. nakakainggit lang talaga. know why? kasi sila, kahit mahirap si john and mayaman si heart, they managed to be together. together happily! just loving each other was wat's important for them. kami kaya? bakit hindi nangyayari yon? does that mean na wala na kaming pag-asa? will everything just end like this? ang pangit naman! walang closure talaga eh!.. bottomline??? miss ko na xa...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
it's been more than a month now since we had a nice conversation. i just miss him terribly. i miss the sweet times and the moments that we talk with each other, about the so called love that we supposedly have. maybe i really don't know him much to say that i can do this. i don't know how i can handle it. i mean, he's so close-minded and i end up being the one always asking him to forgive me for things that i am not even sure if it's a mistake. i'm always afraid that a little thing that i do which he may ot like, we would end up threatening each other. hay! i love him! yes, i do! if not, i would not spend these years waiting for him. sometimes, i am doubting myself for my love for him. maybe this is just to prove that somebody is better off than dino and that i just want a revenge that he was wrong for leaving me and that someone in wilfred's being would love me more than his life. but i doubt this argument, i am absolutely sure that dino is history and that it was all just a lie. after all, i just miss him so much. i miss hi telling me and assuring me that he loves me more than anything and that we are made for each other. i love him still even after 2 years..